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Confession: I Deserved Abusive Men When I Abused Myself!
“I used sex to nourish my soul on crumbs of love, affection, and closeness that I believe was entitled to me for loving these broken men.”
This morning I had to ask myself the following question:
“Who am I?”
You see, I can barely recognize the disciplined, more confident and vibrant woman I have become. A woman who abstains from coffee because she is already a gorgeous ball of energy. The woman who cannot stop staring and smiling at herself in the mirror naked. A woman who prioritizes wellness and self-care into her everyday life. The woman who doesn’t allow anyone into her life or between her legs just because she is bored, lonely, horny, or depressed.
I never thought I would be her. But here I am: her. And it feels unreal, ethereal almost.
Abuse that stemmed from childhood incorporated its way into my adult years by way of the romantic relationships I thought would serve as my emotional refuge and safe space from the past that I was running from and wanted to escape so damn badly. From boyfriend to boyfriend I walked into so many traps that left me in pain through the desire to be properly loved and cared for.
The jarring truth that I can now express many years later without feeling humiliated is that I deserved it all…
