I Am Finally Beginning To Accept Being Petite

“Sit your little body down,” my large-bodied elementary school teacher exclaimed loudly in class. A few of my classmates giggled. My body twinged as embarrassment took over my body.

From since I was a little girl, I was self conscious about my weight. While adult women always admired my petite frame and long hair, I felt bad that I wasn’t a “normal” weight like my friends and peers.

Right before middle school I started puberty. I grew taller, developed full breasts, and started my period pretty early. But I was still skinny! I would often fantasize about having a more voluptuous shape, complete with wide, shapely hips and a plump butt. I desired the “Instagram model” physique light years before it became popular in this present time. My rationale was that as a woman I should have sexy curves.

I was never satisfied with what I saw in the mirror. In my mind, my stomach was too big and my limbs were too skinny. Desperate to gain weight quickly, I ate as much as I could. But nothing changed. So I continued to self-loathe in private, locking myself in my room for long stretches of time and crying silently. Depression was my closest companion.

In my adult years I decided that enough was enough and I became laser-focused on gaining weight. I concluded that the reason why I was never able to get the thick body I desired was because I didn’t binge eat for a long period of time. But this time around I was going to get it right. I ate McDonalds, Chipotle bowls, ice…