On Parent-Jacking: Are Parents The Loneliest Group Of People In The Entire World?

Never, ever, ever, and I mean ever, ask someone about their kids unless you enjoy ASMR and you want the endless droning coming from an adult mouth to lull you to sleep.

This may sound harsh, but why is it that there is no equivalent to “I’m fine” in the world of parents?

Earlier this afternoon I logged into Instagram. And I discovered that one of my favorite fitness influencers, a beautiful black woman, is pregnant. She made a post thanking God for “choosing her,” as if this male god is carefully selecting women to make mothers out of.

I thought it was as simple as getting raw dogged?

I gave her announcement a quick like, and then I quietly unfollowed her. Because whenever an interesting female influencer becomes a mother her children become her entire personality. Her posts and reels about her latest projects and quirky interests quickly become TMI stories about breastfeeding, diaper changes, colic, vomit, and other gross shit. So instead of crossing my fingers and hoping these women will return to their former, fascinating selves I just leave them be for good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah; I know I was a kid before. You can save that ridiculous, nonsensical speech for someone else. Because that fact doesn’t make the…