Story Time: My Mother Found Out I Was “Pregnant” Through Spam Mail

“Mom, it’s just spam mail. I am telling you, I am not pregnant!”

She said nothing.

Oh my goodness. What did she want me to do, fly home and produce a negative pregnancy test?!

Before I begin, I want to address that I intentionally used air quotes around the word pregnant in the title to imply that I am not pregnant, I have never been pregnant, nor will I ever be pregnant. I am happily childfree for life.

And while my parents are aware and support my decision (not that they have much choice in the matter), my mother received the shock of her life by opening her mailbox to find a huge envelope addressed to me with a Congratulations on Your New Baby! emblazoned in large letters, complete with colorful balloons, graffiti, and that infamous brown teddy bear that explains in the simplest way possible that a baby is on the way.

I was living in New Jersey at the time so I was hours away from her. On the day that mom received this suspicious piece of mail I was on the light rail heading home after a long work day. Because the train goes underground at times I know that I will lose service while I am on my phone. And this evening was no different.