The Real Reason Why I Am Selfish: Exploring Depression, Paranoia, Brokenness, And PTSD

I was robbed.

I was robbed.

I was robbed.

This was the mantra I kept repeating to myself all week. I couldn’t sleep. I was barely eating. I had no energy or motivation to do anything but lay in bed as a crying mess. I needed to understand why that phrase wouldn’t leave me alone. And I found what I was looking for in the most unusual way.

There is a show that I am completely caught up in. And while it appeals to my curiosity for occult knowledge and spiritual growth, there is a specific reason why I lose sleep trying to watch just one more episode.

The show features a group of people from vastly different backgrounds whom become really close friends. Two of those friends grew in love and got married. What really intrigues (and triggers) me is that these friends constantly have to choose to sacrifice their safety and lives to save each other. And they always choose to be selfless.

I had to really sit with myself and figure out why someone choosing to put their lives on the line to help someone else bothered me so much. Because if I was put in that position I would choose me every time.

But the question I asked myself was Why? Why was I so stringent on putting myself and my needs first at all times?

And the answer came to me almost right away: Because I am all I have.